Caregiver Insights

Caregiver Suggestions

Surviving the Caregiver's Journey

Alzheimer’s and dementia caregivers learn that good advice from knowledgeable sources makes the journey considerably better, and during my experience I found two books to be particularly helpful. Creating Moments of Joy by Jolene Brackey is a great playbook for managing your relationship with your loved one. And The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu is an insightful guide through life’s most difficult challenges.

The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu identify stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, and loneliness as leading obstacles to a joyful life. During our Alzheimer’s journey, I experienced each of these hurdles. While I cannot recreate all the authors’ sage advice in this short article, here are a few of their poignant thoughts that I found helpful.

  • To achieve inner peace, align your expectations with your reality. Unrealistic expectations lead to grief.

  • Maintain perspective. Understand that you are not alone. You are one among millions who is facing adversity, and many people are much worse off. 

  • Before overreacting to any uncomfortable situation consider compassion as a substitute for anger. It is less harmful and more fulfilling.

  • Reach out. When you focus too much on yourself, you become disconnected. Your interests and your future depend on other people. 

  • Sadness is an inevitable part of life that stimulates better judgment, sensitivity, unity, and generosity. As the Archbishop observed, “It is the hard times, the painful times, the sadness and grief that knit us more closely together.”

  • The greatest joys are felt after you succeed in the face of adversity. Whether you like it or not, being a caregiver gives you purpose. You are doing your best. The challenges you are facing are monumental. Take pride in your sacrifices and commitment. 

  • Prayer and meditation give us a pause from our daily lives. This can help us formulate insights that allow us to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

  • Two qualities that are pivotal in achieving lasting happiness are compassion and generosity. They are also qualities that lead to a fulfilling caregiving experience.

  • Reconsider the challenges you face in the context of all the difficulties around the world. This gives you a greater sense of humility and acceptance. You become more thankful for the many good fortunes you have experienced during your lifetime.

  • No one is perfect. When faced with self-doubts for any reason, give yourself a break. You are making sacrifices for the benefit of someone other than yourself. That should be honored by all people who know you, and especially by you.

  • One thing that can provide relief from stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, grief and loneliness is laughter. Seek it out and welcome it into your life whenever you can. Self-denigrating humor, where you are laughing at yourself despite all the pressures you face is particularly healthy.

  • We cannot succeed by denying what exists. Accepting reality means we can stop trying to escape it and start looking for positive ways to deal with it.

The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu believe that lasting happiness cannot be found in pursuit of any goal or achievement. It does not reside in fortune or fame. It resides only in the human mind and heart. Every day is a new opportunity to begin again. To really make a difference, you have to make a positive difference in other people’s lives. Dementia increases your opportunity to do this.

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