Caregiver Insights

Dealing with Challenges

Awkward Moments

Alzheimer’s Disease and other dementias are certain to cause awkward moments. Irreversible brain damage leads to confusion, repetitive questions, inappropriate comments, non-sensical conversations, hallucinations, and abnormal behavior. Each of these can produce frustration for caregivers, but a better understanding of your loved one’s state of mind will help temper that frustration.

If we want to be empathetic caregivers (care companions), it is helpful to have a sense of the loss and loneliness that accompanies declining mental capabilities. Have you ever been so surprised by something that you felt speechless? There are no words to capture your thoughts because you are temporarily stumped by what to say. Imagine living in that state constantly. Or imagine trying to carry on a conversation when you forget what you are talking about in the middle of a sentence. Or wanting to participate in a discussion when everyone is talking in a language you have never heard before.

People with dementia often feel lost, like they are living in a dense fog. They do not see and hear what we do. Unusual behavior and non-sensical conversations happen because their reality is different. Those of us who have not experienced brain damage take so much for granted. And our frustration pales in comparison to the frustration of living in a nearly constant state of confusion.

Most of our lives we have been accepting about what our partners do. But as dementia creeps forward, we become sensitive when they say or do things that might be embarrassing to them, us, or our families. As their words and actions become increasingly abnormal, we tend to jump in to shield or deflect attention. Defensive responses are understandable, but everyone would be happier if we had more caring and loving responses.

To deal with awkward events, we first need to determine whether we should get involved. Ensure safety first. Remain calm. Don’t argue or correct. If their actions or words will not matter in a few minutes is any response needed? What is your goal? If a response is needed, the goal will be to help your loved one move away from confusion toward peace and comfort. Their feelings are our guide.

We need a toolbox full of distractive solutions we can rely on whenever these situations occur. Here are some responses that should help them feel better and alleviate the tension of the moment:

  • Speak softly and lovingly.

  • “Do you remember how much I love you?”

  • Smile and wink at them.

  • Reach out and touch them. 

  • Give them a hug.

  • Try a neck and shoulder massage.

  • Get your dog or cat involved. They always know best.

  • Ask them to tell you the story you have already heard dozens of times.

  • Suggest a short walk to talk about whatever they want to.

  • Retell one of their favorite memories.

  • Talk about their past successes.

  • Remind them of happy moments you have shared in the past.

  • Ask “Can I ask you a question? How are you feeling right now? Do you feel safe?”

  • Bring out a picture book.

  • Suggest that you do an activity that they enjoy, like music or art.

These are ways to distract, reconnect, and provide comfort. They also remind your loved one that you care and are there to support them. Love them as they are, not because of who they used to be. They are still part of you.

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