Caregiver Insights

Dealing with Challenges

Dealing with Obstinance

The challenges of being an Alzheimer’s or dementia caregiver are compounded when our loved ones are unwilling to cooperate. Meds must be taken and hygiene is imperative. But our loved one’s decisions are based on how they feel, not what makes sense. Dealing with this conundrum is an art not a science, but here are some ideas that may help.

  • Know that refusal to follow instructions isn’t deliberate. It is a symptom of the disease.

  • Obstinance can worsen as the disease progresses. 

  • Avoid confrontations. They usually escalate the refusal. 

  • Be patient. Use distractions or change the subject to redirect their attention.

  • Move on to another activity (e.g., turn on music they love, engage in physical activity, even if it's just a short walk).

  • Remember that the moment will pass and feelings rule. Most likely, they will forget and be more receptive later. 

  • Change the mood before attempting any activity they may not agree with. 

  • If there is a crack in resistance, smile and make loving eye contact.

  • Laughter brightens things up. Create a file of things that make them chuckle so you can tap into it whenever a mood swing is needed. 

  • Calm touching (like holding their hand, gently patting their back, or providing a comforting neck massage) can often soothe them. 

  • When possible, offer simple choices rather than telling them what to do.

  • Seek support. Discuss problematic behavior with professionals (doctors, social workers, psychiatric professionals) for advice. In some cases, medications may be prescribed to manage specific behaviors such as aggression, anxiety, or depression.

I’ve been searching for magic bullets to solve this problem and have found there are none. This problem is a universal reality, and everyone who has traveled this path has learned that temporary defeats are inevitable. But you should always remember that you are doing your best. Over the long haul, love is the only answer, and no more can be expected of you.

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