Caregiver Insights
Dealing with Challenges
Dealing with Grief
Gayla’s passing a few weeks ago has caused profound sadness and overwhelming grief. We have been consumed by the loss. It is hard to make sense of it all, to regain our bearings.
We grieve for Gayla and that grief is an expression of love. She was an extraordinary gift to her family, friends, students, parents, and coworkers. But we also grieve for ourselves. As hard as dealing with Alzheimer’s caregiving is, I still enjoyed holding her hands over a dinner table, staring into her eyes, and getting her to smile or laugh. My ability to make her smile when we were together was rewarding, joyful and gave purpose to my life. I have found it truly comforting to focus on all the positive things that Gayla and I shared over our 57 years of marriage.
The end of the journey was not just the loss of a partner, but of a shared history, a partnership, and everything that Gayla represented to me. When we lose a loved one, we lose a primary focus of our lives. And as another caregiver said to me, you also lose your job.
Grief lingers and comes in waves. Douglas Abrams observed, “Grief is the reminder of the depth of our love. Without love there is no grief. So, when we feel our grief, uncomfortable and aching as it may be, it is a reminder of the beauty of that love.” Caregivers have such a hard time going through the journey, we can’t fathom how much we may miss it when it’s over.
Nothing about Alzheimer’s caregiving is easy, and we should not expect grief at the end of the journey is to be any easier. Sadness isn’t something we get over, as much as it is something we must learn to live with. And this change in our lives creates opportunities for us to grow, to be more aware and engaged in our Communities & Resources. This is the key to moving forward, and both individual and group therapy can be beneficial. How can I live a new life that is fulfilling and honors Gayla’s values and her memory?
While sorting through this, I turned to The Book of Joy, which recounts a week-long meeting between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu several years ago. Commenting on the loss of a loved one, the Dalai Lama said, “The way through the sadness and grief that comes from great loss is to use it as motivation and to generate a deeper sense of purpose…. If the one you have lost could see you, and you are determined and full of hope, they would be happy. With the great sadness of the loss, one can live an even more meaningful life.”
The Dalai Lama's words are powerful and reflect a way to transform sorrow into something meaningful. Grief can feel paralyzing at times, but it also can be channeled into a renewed sense of purpose. Helping others negotiate the Alzheimer’s journey is a way for me to honor Gayla’s memory and will bring a deeper sense of meaning and fulfillment to my life.
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